Ron White Newest 2018 – Ron White Stand Up Comedy Show
[Music]
[Applause]
ladies and gentlemen please welcome mr.
Ron boy
[Applause]
thanks man what I’m gonna do I’m gonna
start off this evening by asking you a
question because I don’t know the answer
I lost my sunglasses and I yesterday I
went to the sunglass hut here’s the
question why does a pair of sunglasses
cost more than a 25 inch color
television Saturday I go to the sunglass
hut I see a pair of glasses I like I
don’t love them I don’t I like them 309
bucks and I asked the guy very politely
how do you sleep at night you little
prick
and I told him and this is true that two
weeks ago I bought a 25 inch color
television set from Walmart for 218
bucks and he goes well apparently sir
you don’t get it
I’m listening because these glasses
eliminate a hundred percent of all UV
rays no apparently you don’t get it this
thing decodes a digital satellite signal
it picks up from outer fucking space
[Applause]
and then it turned out the glasses got
basic-cable and I felt like a dickhead
look Braveheart
fight you ever take a crap so big your
pants fit better
[Applause]
I’m hoping that happens to me later
tonight because these babies don’t fit
anymore I’m hoping I’m one big turret
away from backing into an old wardrobe
[Applause]
yesterday I was sitting in a beanbag
chair naked eating Cheetos and
I was flipping through the television
and I saw Robert Tilton he’s a
televangelist from Dallas and he was
staring at me and he said this he said
are you lonely yeah he said if you
wasted half your life in bars pursuing
sins of the flesh this guy’s good he
said are you sitting in a beanbag chair
naked eating Cheetos yes sir
so do you feel the urge to get up and
send me $1,000 I thought he was talking
about me there for a second
apparently I ain’t the only kid on the
block Diggs cheeto so it’s great to be
back in Kalamazoo at the
last time I was here they took me to the
Blues Festival which and I love the
blues but the they need to figure out
some problems with the festival I don’t
I don’t like the party anywhere where
you can’t just give somebody money and
they give you back a beer you know what
I mean
I started alive for an hour my mouth is
dry I want a beer I love beer I know
they’re selling beer people are walking
away with the front of the line
they’ve got beer that’s how I figured
the whole thing out I get up there I
give the guy my money goes we don’t take
money here what do you take coupons
[Applause]
Koopmans
where do I get it cooping see that line
over there it takes forever I stood in
that line for an hour I got to show them
a driver’s license birth certificate
fill out a form they mail that away send
me back some coupons
what are you doing Ron I’m waiting on
UPS sir
there’s a good chance I’ll have a beer
by Thursday I’m partying like a Kennedy
right now
[Applause]
I was a game – I had a hundred bucks
cash on me about a hundred bucks where
the coupons and then some guys that took
me there asked me if I wanted to go to a
topless club and I didn’t want to go I
just ended up going cuz you guys back me
up on this you’ve seen one woman naked
do you want to see the rest of it could
be an old biker chick you know they’re
gonna hang down to here’s if you’re
seeing that Guinea yeah dude all right
that’s enough rolling back up
[Applause]
things that make you go and then closing
time came around and the tabs came out
and I found out the titty bar don’t
accept them supid a guy Taco Bell told
me to kiss his ass
I’ll give you $40 where the coupons for
a burrito with cheese it’s all I’ve got
[Applause]
it’s a coupon so I saw something that
comes close to truth in advertising the
De Beers people are almost saying what
they really mean because the old deBeer
slogan was diamonds are forever then
they changed it to this year take her
breath away the new slogan is diamonds
render her speechless why don’t they
just go ahead and say it diamonds
that’ll shut her up
[Applause]
for a minute so man I was just in Miami
fuck I don’t know was a couple years ago
so I didn’t just just would not be the
word but was working there with Fox when
Hurricane George hit the keys I just
thought this is kind of funny they
evacuated the keys and everybody left
except for I’ve been through two
hurricanes I was in hurricane Carla when
I was a kid in Houston and I was really
excited during hurricane time you know
because out there in the Gulf and it’s
dangerous I was like this is cool till
shit started hitting our house I was
like but anyway they evacuated the keys
and everybody leaves except for one guy
who’s gonna stay there and tie himself
to a tree on the beach to prove a point
and the point was he said that at 53
years of age he was in good enough
physical condition to withstand the wind
and the rain from a forestry hurricane
all right let me explain something to
you it isn’t that the wind is blowing
it’s what the wind is blowing
if you get hit with a Volvo it doesn’t
really matter how many sit-ups you did
that morning
[Applause]
if you have a yield sign in your spleen
[Music]
joggin don’t come into play
I can run 25 miles without stopping
you’re bleeding man last time I was here
I had somebody broke into my truck and
stole my radio thank you whoever you
were got to drive back to Texas listen
to the sound of win for 49 hours I went
to the insurance-company I was throwing
out these forms and I got to the part on
the forum where it says what kind of
radio wasn’t that older guy didn’t
remember it he said mr. white if you can
remember what kind of radio it was well
no how much money to give you that’s a
good news right there I thought of a
real expensive sounding brand and I
wrote it down and he knew how alive mr.
white I don’t believe Rolex makes a
radio
it was a clock radio
Pratt the chick premium boy they love it
when you call them premium boy next time
you see your agent call him premium boy
he’ll get a chuckle so I almost I almost
died this year actually I didn’t almost
die I didn’t even get hurt I was a near
miss plane not a crash we were making a
movie in Nam I was flying from Flagstaff
Arizona to Phoenix Arizona because my
manager doesn’t own a globe we’re on a
plane that big it’s like a pack of gum
with eight people in it and what
happened was we took off from the
Flagstaff Airport haircare and tire
center there
we’re traveling at half the speed of
smell we got passed by a kite
there was a goose behind us in the pile
it was screaming go around we get
halfway to Phoenix we got to go back
it’s a nine minute flight can’t pull it
off with this equipment we had engine
trouble we lost some oil pressure and
one of the engines and they told us
about it over the speaker system of the
plane which was stupid because they
could have just went hey we lost some
oil pressure heard you did it was weird
everybody on the plane was nervous but
I’ve been drinking says like take it
down I don’t give a shit
do you ever have one of those days hit
something hard I don’t want to limp away
from this PC shit the guy sitting next
to me is losing his mind apparently he
had a lot to live for
he goes hey man
if one of these engines fails how far
will the other one take us all the way
to the scene of the crash
[Music]
which is pretty handy because that’s
where we’re headed
I bet we beat the paramedics there by
we’re hauling ass
[Applause]
so I’ve got a really good job I like my
job it’s important to have a good
vocabulary you know actually I haven’t
always had a good vocabulary when I was
young if I’d known the difference
between antidote and anecdote my friend
Bob Schneider would still be alive today
[Applause]
he got bit by a copperhead I’m reading
him humorous stories that a Reader’s
Digest I’ll tell you a little bit about
myself I’m from Texas I’m a cowboy a
real cowboy I was only I was a bronc
rider for six years of my life and it’s
affected me now when I have sex my arm
goes like this seems to be some dispute
between the wife and I whether or not
I’m staying on that fall eight seconds
so we got the timer and buzzer and set
it up right there in the bedroom and I
taught her the meaning of the phrase
most of the time would have been all the
time but she won’t let me tie that rope
around her waist anymore she hates it
when I spur her out of the chutes hey
you laughs is not easy to keep an
erection with a clown and a barrel in
the corner
[Applause]
here’s a sir we’ve gotta focus I’m
probably not a typical Texan in that I
don’t hunt that fish but I don’t hunt
not because I think it might somehow be
more holy to eat meat that’s been
bludgeoned to death by somebody else
that’s not it it’s really early in the
morning it’s really cold outside I don’t
want to go
[Applause]
my cousin ray on the other hand thing’s
killing a deer with a deer rifle is
magic in the forests I’d like to do for
you now my impression of my cousin ray
after the big kill well it was 4:00 in
the morning 22 degrees outside corfu
aren’t there see
[Applause]
I’m in a camouflaged ear blind with
grease paint on my face
I’ve got deer urine on my boots I’m not
sure why I made that fart out
I got a 30 out six with a 12 power scope
and a bullet that will travel 2200 feet
per second when that deer looked up to
lick the salt sucker I’d hung from the
dango tree got him right above the eye
well yeah well I hit one with a van
going 55 miles an hour with the
headlights on and the horn blowing
that’s an elusive little creature
do you ever miss was because the bullets
moving too fast slow the bullet down to
55 miles an hour put some headlights and
a little horn on it the deer will
actually jump in front of the bullet
[Applause]
so I have a married man happily married
man thank you very much for asking
I married a rich woman if you ever have
a choice go ahead actually that’s uh
that’s a lot she’s not rich at all her
parents are and they hate my and I’m
waiting for them to
and you’ll know if they die too because
you’ll never see my fat ass again I’ll
be in Palm Beach with my new friends and
me a beer Teddy servants rich my in-laws
have servants is that weird I thought
when I married their daughter they’d
send a servant along with us to help do
all the shit they never taught her how
to do and I was wrong
we’re now leaning on her domestic skills
and who she’s handy I kind of I’m doing
a show the other night she goes honey
the dryers broken I’m like did you check
the lint filter sweetheart sit out honey
I’ll check it I open it up is there
anything in there there’s a quilt in
there
[Applause]
look you made a sofa cushion I heard a
lot of this I hear a lot of Ron Ron
you’re pretty good-sized oh boy but I
guess the little woman’s are good oh I
got a little better when she figured out
that smoke alarms not a timer
[Applause]
I have to have to tell her honey the
food is done before that particular
buzzer goes off it was real bad when we
first got married the first meal she
cooked in our new house
I couldn’t eat it I gave it to my dog
he started licking his butt she comes in
the kitchen here’s what’s he doing looks
like he’s trying to get the taste out of
his mouth
[Music]
everything’s that emergency to my wife
because you never had to deal with her
own problems
spoil the cater to her whole life
there’s no cure right for that I was in
Atlanta one time she calls me one night
misses me in the hotel room they catch
me in the lobby and tell me I have an
emergency phone call from home I knocked
over ten people in the lobby of a very
nice hotel thinking maybe my in-laws
I call her she tells me my dog Sluggo
just took a dump on the new carpet
shoot him she goes that’s just like you
wrong I have a genuine problem and
you’re being sarcastic all right honey
I’m sorry
put the dog on the phone I’ll talk to it
what do you want me to do I’m in Georgia
I can’t pick up the turd put a paper
towel over it I’ll be home in a week
honey I get home it looks like a little
campground in the living room somebody’s
having a poopa Palooza concert write him
outside he’ll shit out there I’ve seen
him doing
we have a beautiful son his name is
Marshall I named him after an amplifier
almost named him VV come here blob punky
a little woofer there my son is five
years old my son thinks five years old
is a very cool age to be because that’s
the coolest age he has gotten to his
favorite thing about being five years
old as he’s old enough to wear a seat
belt that’s his biggest visible step
towards man oh it’s so far in his eyes
you know he’s trapped in the truck just
like his daddy and he thinks that’s
great I think it’s great too because I
Drive a four-wheel-drive truck and I
learned this about four-wheel drive
trucks it doesn’t really matter how big
the motor is or how big the tires are
your macho days are over when you trap a
car seat in front of that bad boy
[Applause]
you just can’t show it off to your
buddies you know what it means he just
you can’t make yourself go what that
that’s got the Vortech v8 running 285
horsepower yeah that that’s a Manitou
walk power we try to pull 28 tons right
out of the ditch that that’s playschool
car seat with the big bird steering
wheel attached that’s bird on the
blinker Ernie on the windshield wiper
that’s big bird in the middle you can
honk it fat bastard if you want well in
two weeks I’ll have the Cookie Monster
flip mirror back ordered it on me I
don’t I Drive the truck anymore about
this big 2-story custom vans at or in
and it’s kind of neat it’s got the James
Bond couch in the back where you push a
button and the couch in the back
automatically turns into a bed now Mike
well that’s cool I finally got something
over those Mercedes Benz driving in-laws
of mine you know what I mean when I
first bought the van I was real proud of
it I took it straight over to my
brother-in-law’s house to show it off
because he’s such a prick
he takes one look at my new van he goes
I can’t believe you didn’t buy a
mercedes-benz
they don’t make a van they hate it when
you do that it was wrong I don’t think
you fully understand the intricacies of
mercedes-benz engineering why I’ve got
the 3-inch windshield wiper that keeps
my headlight clean in a rainstorm I got
a place to fuck your sister
I don’t know why they don’t like me bet
you wish you had one of these
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
it’s a kit kitten I want to screw up
good whiskey Oh tasty actually that was
all bullshit I just got a divorce I just
want to do those three jokes before I
told you and I’ll tell you what went
wrong and I can’t cuz I feel like I can
be honest with you folks and you won’t
judge me or maybe you will I don’t care
but I’ll tell you it’s very very
difficult to marry out of your class I
come from a lower middle-class family my
daddy worked his ass off his whole life
or not very much and that does not make
you better than me
you know what I mean my dad was a good
man
and they’re always gonna just look down
their nose at you like you’re supposed
to be carrying some pissed bucket for
him or something and if you’re not
willing to carry the pissed bucket it
ain’t gonna work and and she got
convinced in her crazy head that I had
sex with this girl in Columbus Ohio and
I did not tell you why when you enter
into a monogamous relationship with
somebody usually do it at a point in the
relationship when you’re having a lot of
sex so you’re willing to sign the papers
I’ll only have sex with you ever ever
ever ever well if that person stops
having sex altogether while you find
yourself in quite a pickle I’m a pretty
good dog but if you don’t pet me every
once in a while it’s hard to keep me
under the porch I’m not as flexible as a
real dog but I’ll tell you what happened
to I was in Columbus Ohio I’ve been laid
in three months three months you can’t
go three months without having sex with
me I’ll go have sex with somebody else I
know I’ve seen me do it I did a show one
night I came on stage there’s a gorgeous
woman maybe 35 40 years old long black
dress slit up to her waist gorgeous give
me a second
and I walked offstage you guys I thought
you were hilarious I want to buy you a
drink I’m like I can’t do that I’m
married because I didn’t ask you want to
have sex big boy asking gonna have a
drink at my place I’m like all right
well you know that little guy that sits
on your shoulder that reminds you of
your prior commitments and your moral
fortitude and hear a peep out of that he
hadn’t been laid in three months either
he was speechless for like 20 minutes
and he was like sucker kitty
[Applause]
I was gonna I’m having a three-way with
my conscience soon as the whole thing’s
over he’s back at his post but was wrong
mister my 820 minutes ago you were
beating off on my shoulder monkey boy I
hate him he smokes pot he burned a hole
in my other jacket I’ve been spending a
ton of time in Los Angeles I learn
things when I go to LA I learned this
they have bikinis now made out of
seashells I didn’t know that and I also
didn’t know this if you’re ever walking
down the beach and you see a girl
dressed in a bikini made out of
seashells and you pick her up and hold
her to your ear you can hear her scream
who’d a thunk it I I thought I’d hear
the ocean but not over that woman hush
man she was a wiggler la changes people
I got a buddy of mine from Houston he’s
comedian moved to LA six months ago six
months in LA don’t know him six months
in LA now he’s a vegetarian humanitarian
and environmentalist you know great if
you’re here tonight you’re a vegetarian
shut up you’re not going to recruit me I
did not climb to the top of the food
chain to eat carrots
it’s not even that good for you ever see
a healthy looking vegetarian they look
like shit no they are all plump and gray
because their bodies become intolerant
of things they need now I’ll give you an
example I’m on the way to the Melrose
improv in Hollywood to do a set with my
buddy and he says this and I quote I
feel nauseous and I have a headache I
think that vegetable soup I had for
lunch
must have had beef broth in it I didn’t
know what to say your systems kicking
back bro you’re a manly man aren’t you
when were you a vegetarian I asked him
and it wasn’t even because meat was bad
for you said that raising cattle was bad
for the planet with how flatulence in
the ozone and the clearing of land for
the raising of cattle what are you doing
to help the environment I’m eating the
cows
[Applause]
but I’m only one man
[Music]
whatever the hell that meant every time
I read a newspaper in Los Angeles
California I get pissed because things
don’t have to make sense in LA I read an
article in the paper in LA
they said they’re gonna try to outlaw
the big screen real-life handguns
shooting video games because they say
that that’s what’s wrong with the youth
of America today they learned how to
accurately shoot guns with video game
it’s not a parenting problem little
fucking oh no it’s a video probably did
it piss you off when you have a genuine
problem you try to attack a solution –
it’s got nothing to do with the problem
you know what I mean I came up with a
great idea
don’t outlaw those machines give them to
the state troopers of California because
they’re some of the worst shots I’ve
ever seen in my life
I saw a shootout once live on TV that
went on for so long eventually the
criminal got frustrated and shot himself
and the cops were on TV whining about it
going he’s got on body armor he’s got on
body armor I’m watching it live on
seeing him going I’m see his head shoot
him in the fucking head
[Applause]
give my kid a shot daddy good shot took
him out thank God poot was there with
his considerable skills horrible shot
some cops are you ever see tape with the
Kehoe brothers from Ohio those guys are
getting out of that white suburban they
show it on cops these guys folks have a
shootout with the police and point-blank
range nobody gets hurt I would love to
have been at the office the next day
when that guy’s being interviewed by the
chief and then what happened well at
that point I loaded my semi-automatic
9-millimeter weapon at point-blank range
and then what happened they left nice
shootin Elmer Fudd
there was a kid in Detroit three years
ago shot eight bullets hit nine people
these two cops shot 22 bullets didn’t
even hit the fucking suburban
give those guys a roll of quarters drop
them off at the mall that’s all I’m
saying
you know what I mean
it’s just not like Texas you know Terry
the biggest difference between Texas and
California in Texas we have the death
penalty and we use it that’s right if
you come to Texas and kill somebody we
will kill you back that’s our policy
we’re trying to send a message to the
rest of America and the message is go
somewhere else and kill people go to
California they don’t give a shit I was
watching a case on Court TV when I was
out there I got so mad steam was
shooting out of my ears this guy’s
convicted of a triple homicide this guy
kills a grandmother a mother and a
granddaughter without provocation he and
a crime so heinous I can’t even fit it
in my head he sentenced to death by a
jury of his peers and right before it
comes time to carry out the sentence a
group of people on his behalf on his
behalf
stand up and they go we can’t kill him
he’s too crazy to know we’re killing him
and what the hell are we arguing about
if you don’t know the difference and it
makes me feel better
how do you know he’s crazy that’s what I
want to know of course he’s crazy he
killed three people you know yeah this
is what they said he rolls his turds
into little balls and eats crayons I’m
like shit you got to quit putting all
crazy people in one group goddamn it you
got to separate a bump a little bit you
know what I mean what does that crazy
person do Oh he rolls his turns into
little balls and eats crayons
fine I’ll feed him for the rest of his
life what does that crazy person do Oh
he kills productive members of our
society really should I roll this shit
into little balls and make crayons
because the penalty is much less severe
we’re trying to pass a bill right now
through the Texas Legislature that’ll
speed up the process of execution in
heinous crimes where there’s more than
three credible eyewitnesses if more than
three people saw you do what you did you
don’t sit on death row for 15 years Jack
you go straight to the front of the line
other states and other states are trying
to abolish the death penalty
my state’s putting in an express lane
[Applause]
I did that bit out in California this
guy comes up to me after the show
and you can tell he was nervous to talk
to me he goes because you know what that
may be true about Jackson the death
penalty but you know what you know what
what he waited for me to say what that’s
kind of cute he goes there’s an old law
in Texas the states that intention you
cannot shoot somebody in the back no
matter what they did to you or your
family or your place of business it’s
illegal for you to in turn shoot them in
the back yeah but you can start shooting
them in the leg till they turn around
because eventually they’re gonna get
curious who shoot me in the leg I wonder
quietly to myself oh that guy never turn
around I was talking to a buddy of mine
the other day my friend of a friend it’s
a he’s real he’s a humble foe
yeah that’s a most useless thing you
could possibly be is afraid of gay
people I was talk to him the other day
and he goes yours being this will to be
better for win so many queers and I’m
like you know what the next time you
have a thought let it go like a we’re
all gay it’s just to what extent are you
gay you know that bullshit man I ain’t
gay at all I’m like yeah you are and I
can prove it he was fine prove it I’m
like all right do you like porn you guys
yeah I love porn you know that but all
do you only watch scenes with two women
together you know I watch a man a woman
making love like oh dear like the guy to
have a small half flaccid penis there’s
no I like big heart throbbing cock
I did not know that about myself
I promise Sears I would tell this story
on stage every night until the lawsuit
settled
I had my van down to Savannah Georgia I
didn’t like the way the tires were
wearing on it I took the van to Sears
automotive a trusted name an automotive
service take some three and a half hours
to change four tires apparently they had
to whittle one of them out of a piece of
wheat I pay him 980 dollars of my hard
earned money I take a right-hand turn
out of the mall the left rear wheel
falls off it falls off it falls the fuck
off
turning my van into a tripod
spitting me into a dimension of pissed
off I’ve never been in before in my life
this guy was a tired guy that’s all he
did
he didn’t some days work on
transmissions he was a tired guy
Sears I found out later had sent him to
tyre college for three days well
apparently he was sick on lugnut day but
they still let him work on my van so I’m
suing I mean I hope that next year they
have to change the name of Sears Tower
in Chicago to Iran White’s big old
goddamn building
[Applause]
you guys can all come over and party too
I’m gonna have a lot of room think we
got to clean up wrong hell no man do
another floor will come up there
somebody grab my butt
bring your coupons
[Applause]
I got thrown out of a bar in New York
City
now when I say I got thrown out of a bar
I don’t mean somebody asked me to leave
we walk to the door together and I said
bye everybody I gotta go
six bouncers hurled me out of a
nightclub like I was a fridge beat those
big old bouncers that go home every
night watch Roadhouse and beat off you
know I’m talking about Patrick Swayze’s
hitting another guy for wearing a hat I
walk into a bar with a hat on just got
real piss he goes took off the hat my
voice the deal he goes I tell you what
the deal is
baggage in this area we’re actually
trying to keep him out of a club well I
already the only way we could tell down
south is if they have their hair cut
like your
[Applause]
[Music]
and he got all pissed when he walked
away and I took the hat off and like an
hour later I’ve been drinking and I
forgot you ever forget happened to me I
put the hat back on the guy comes over
to me now I’m between 6 1 and 6 6
depending on which convenience store I’m
leaving
I weighed 335 pounds this guy comes over
to me poking me in the shoulder with two
fingers says you’re out of here and I
was wrong they hurled my ass and then
they squared off with me in the parking
lot and I backed down from the fight
because I don’t know how many of them it
would have taken to whip my ass but I
knew how many they were going to use to
hand you a little piece of information
to have right there overkill
but I called the police because we broke
a chair on the way out the door and I
refused to pay for it the cops showed up
and at that point I had the right to
remain silent
but it didn’t have the ability
[Applause]
cop says mr. white you are being charged
with drunk in public
I was drunk in a bar they threw me into
public I don’t want to be drunk in
public I want to be drunk in a goddamn
bar which is perfectly legal arrest them
well he didn’t arrest them instead they
call in for my arrest record there’s
some good news
satellites are linking up in outer space
computer banks at NASA are kicking on
there’s a telegraph in Fritz Texas going
[Music]
[Applause]
short him
beep now I told you that story to tell
you this story when I was 17 years old I
was arrested for being drunk and oblique
seem to be a pattern if you knew Morse
code you would already know that when
one DWI which with a bogus charge
because it turns out they were stopping
every vehicle traveling down that
particular sidewalk and that’s profiling
I believe from the drunken public
charged in French the arresting officer
who I had literally known all my life
you know what I mean this guy live four
doors down from me in a town of less
than 400 people we’ve met he takes me to
jail when we get there he asked me if I
have any aliases and I was just being a
smartass and said yeah they call me
tater salad
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
17 years later in New York City I’m
handcuffed on a bench with blood coming
out of my nose and this cop goes are you
wrong tater salad white you caught me
you caught the tater you can take down
those roadblocks now I call my son Tater
Tot and boot I am a dog lover actually I
love my dog I don’t give a shit about
your dog I don’t know your dog man your
dog could be an asshole I don’t know
sluggos an English Bulldog Sluggo don’t
Jack with me hurt hurt hurt hurt her
great you know what I do don’t when he’s
asleep I lift up those big old huge
Bulldog jowls and I had him and shit in
there he wakes up in the morning like
gonna be a good day tater
he calls me tattered he’s a great dog
he’s sick right now we debating the
bucket the vegan sick you can’t just
feed him medicine he’ll spit it out you
got to hide it in a piece of cheese I
started him out last year for pick of
the litter and I put him with the female
dog for a couple of weeks and then to
make sure it took I took him down to the
veterinarian’s office and had artificial
insemination done twice now for those of
you that don’t know that’s where they
obtained the semen from Sluggo and put
it in the female dog and now it don’t
take shit to get old Sluggo to go to the
bat he loves the place
I went down there the veterinarian had
the audacity to say to me mr. Wyatt and
she’ll just come on back here we’ll show
you had to do this next time you don’t
have to bring in the dog you could just
bring in the semen that’s you go ahead
and jack off the dog he follows me
around too much as it is fuck I’m gonna
spend the rest of my life with this ball
you know here we got a company you did
it the other day
do it yourself I don’t have anything
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
do we talk to Danny that way please
I lost my mind
[Applause]
I’ll tell you a little bit more about
the demise of my relationship there was
that one thing where I had sex with a
girl but that wasn’t the underlying
problem the big problem was the first
problem was this we lived in a house and
it had a thermostat that’s it because I
like the temperature of the house
between 70 and 75 and she liked the
temperature of the house between 75 and
100 and fucking 10 and you can’t keep
tater salad at that temperature
[Music]
we fought about it she was psycho psycho
women love me we have an argument one
night about the temperature of a
dwelling she goes outside with a butcher
knife and cuts the tires on my truck
so I drug up an old Polaroid and entered
her in hustlers beaver hunt
and she won and I used the money to get
me some new tires and she superglued my
dick to my stomach so do you see how
things just get out of hand still itches
but after three years of being married
to this woman I still didn’t understand
her she would get mad at me when I was
trying to help her I’ll give you an
example let’s say she had wake up in the
morning and be real bitchy let’s just
say and I knew in my heart she was
suffering from PMS and out of my
I would offer were my dog and tell her
honey I believe Heath is my dog
you won’t bitch quite so much she would
growl at me and wouldn’t eat the my dog
I had to hide it in a piece of cheese
thanks for playing along hope you
enjoyed it you gotta throw a
manufactured very much
[Music]
[Applause]
I’m gonna go to the bar the bar is in my
pocket so I don’t have to go too far so
how’d you like the show I loved it I
think it’s hilarious
Ron White kills me yeah that taters how
a joke gets me man I couldn’t stop
laughing he’s too funny my jaws hurt and
I think I was crying more than anything
you enjoy the show
yes never really good time yes did you
laugh because I did there you are did
you pee no he’s not only funny he is a
cutie pie and a nice butt my side still
hurts it’s so funny guy from Texas
that’s like a sitcom waiting to happen
I think I’m gonna start drinking scotch
where’d you see the blue collar tour
tater came right into your living room
[Laughter]
