The Honeymooners (2005)
( bus engine starts )
( light, jazzy theme building )
( bouncy swing theme playing )
MAN ( over radio ):
This is DJ Suckaslam
spinnin’ an old school tonight,
inviting all of New York
to forget your Y2K worries,
turn up your radio
and help good old Chuck Brown
“Bust Loose.”
( Chuck Brown’s “Bustin’ Loose”
playing on radio )
SUCKASLAM:
Oh, yeah! Bust it up, New York!
( singing along ):
♪ I feel like bustin’ loose
Bustin’ loose ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose in the evenin’
Bustin’ loose can be pleasin’ ♪
♪ Talkin’ about bustin’ loose ♪
BROWN ( on radio ):
♪ Bustin’ loose
In the meantime ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
Make you feel fine ♪
♪ Talkin’ about bustin’ loose ♪
BUS DRIVER:
♪ Bustin’ loose
To my love jones ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
To each his own ♪
♪ Gimme the bridge, y’all ♪
( humming along )
♪ Hey, Leroy ♪
♪ Gimme some of that horn
Right here ♪
( saxophone solo plays )
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Give me some of that horn ♪
( honks horn )
♪ Wah, wah, wow! ♪
Taxi!
Oooh. Oh!
( brakes screech )
( horns honk )
♪ I feel like bustin’ loose
Bustin’ loose, y’all ♪
( tires screeching )
( Brown vocalizing )
Can I give you a ride?
The way you drive?
♪ I feel like bustin’ loose
Bustin’ loose, now ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
When you want to deal ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
Doin’ what you feel ♪
♪ Talkin’ about
Bustin’ loose, girl ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
When you want to deal ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
Doin’ what you feel ♪
♪ Talkin’ about
Bustin’ loose, now ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
When you want to sing ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
Baby, do your thing ♪
♪ Talkin’ about
Bustin’ loose, girl ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
When you want to sing ♪
♪ Bustin’ loose
Baby, do your thing ♪
♪ Gimme the bridge, y’all ♪
( laughs )
So how you doing?
Wow, you sure got
a lot of confidence.
( clears throat )
Ralph.
Ralph Kramden.
Operator
of this machine and, uh…
this machine.
Alice.
Alice Gibson.
What’s up,
Alice Gibson?
So, Ralph Kramden,
are you taking me
to Brooklyn, or what?
I’ll take you anywhere
you wanna go.
Crown Heights.
Red Hook. Bushwick.
I’ll take you to the moon,
Alice. Come on.
( Baby Bash’s “Baby, I’m Back”
playing )
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
I hope you’re not going
to lose your job over this.
So what if I do?
I mean, this right here,
this whole
bus-driver thing?
This is temporary.
I’m an entrepreneur.
And, uh, this is going to
make me a millionaire.
“Kramden International
Y2K Ultra Deluxe Survival Kit”?
Yeah.
And when Y2K hit,
you gonna need
all that stuff in there.
You think Y2K
is gonna be that bad?
You ain’t been watching CNN?
I mean, when every
computer in the world
shuts down on New Year’s Eve,
that kit,
plus a check or money order
for $29.99,
plus shipping and handling,
is the only thing
that is going to protect you
against total chaos.
Wow. Total chaos?
Yeah, I mean,
you know, if I’m lucky.
I guess my dream’s
a little bit more practical.
Oh, yeah?
Like what?
My own home.
Nothing fancy,
just a little place
all my own.
You know?
No landlord
or haggling with the super
to fix the pipes
or rent increases.
Just my name on a deed
and, well, some lawn chairs
on the front porch
so I can watch my kids
play ball in the street.
You got kids?
( “Baby, I’m Back”
stops playing )
I’m playing.
( “Baby, I’m Back”
resumes playing )
Can’t you feel it, Alice?
We’re on the verge
of a new millennium.
You need to stick
with your boy,
because I’m
about to blow up!
I mean, you’ll see,
this job,
these empty pockets,
this waistline, gone!
Yeah.
One day…
I’m gonna own this town!
( sirens wailing outside )
Is that what you think?
I own this town?
I just asked you
to talk to the super
about the pipes, Ralph.
That’s all.
Today?
The Mets are
in the seventh game
of the World Series,
and you know this,
Alice,
and you want me
to think about plumbing?
( pipes clanging, creaking )
Okay, so it make
a little noise, but so do you,
and I’ve learned to live
with that.
Ralph.
Fine. But I’m not dragging
the super into this.
I’m calling my boy Norton.
He works in the sewers.
He knows pipes.
RALPH: Yo, Norton!
What’s up with the Mets?
Today’s the day, baby!
Yeah, I’m ready.
Oh.
( baby giggles )
Oh, my God!
WOMAN:
What did you do
to my baby?
( baby crying )
I didn’t do anything!
Never mind them,
Ralphie.
I got a new riddle
for you.
A man was born in 1955,
what–?
RALPH: Not now!
Alice wants you
to get down here
and take a look at these pipes.
She’s driving me crazy.
All right.
Don’t come down that–
That thing is gonna kill you.
He’s coming down
the fire escape.
Hey, Alice.
Hey, Ed.
Come on, Ralph.
A man was born in 1955.
Today is his 18th birthday.
How’s that possible, huh?
1955 is not the year
he was born.
It’s the number
of the hospital room
he was born in.
Damn, you smart.
What seems to be the problem,
Alice?
Listen, Ed.
( water runs,
pipes creak and clang )
I’m on it.
He’s on it.
Yeah, why does
he gotta be on it?
What happened to you?
Knock, knock.
Morning, Kramdens.
Oh, hey, Trix.
What you got there,
Trixie?
I made French toast.
Alice, I tried
this new powdered sugar,
TastyMeds. It’s the one
they give to the diabetics
right when they wake up
from the coma.
Ninety-nine cents.
There’s a slight
little aftertaste,
but it’s still good,
right, Ralph?
Mm. See?
Trixie makes Ed French toast.
That’s cause Ed’s
not on TrimSpa.
Oh, you got jokes.
You just a regular
UPN sitcom, huh, Alice?
I gotta get
to these pipes.
Look, just
fix it, okay?
It’d be good to have
some peace and quiet
around here.
Yo!
Oh, my God!
Yo!
Oh, my God!
Ed, what’d you
do now?
They wanted me
to fix their pipes.
Yeah, not knock a big hole
in the wall!
That’s where
the pipes are, Ralph.
If you’d just talked
to the landlord
like I asked you to
in the first place…
That’s a much better idea,
’cause I do my best work
down below.
Ooh, now that
is true, baby.
You did say that.
I mean, I’m a professional.
People always call me
and want me to work
on their plumbing all…
Get out!
It’s all right.
It’s okay.
Ah, ah, ah, ah…
Take the wife,
leave the French toast.
Oh, man.
See you
at the diner, Alice.
Later, Trix.
Hey, Ralph, after work we gonna
watch that game–
Out!
Go, Mets.
You are certifiable,
you know that?
You ought to have
your head examined.
I’ll have my head examined
anywhere in the United States.
And you know
what they’re gonna find
when they look in there?
Nothing!
I asked you to do one thing.
One thing!
You never appreciate anything.
You go on and on.
BOTH:
I can’t take it anymore!
( alarm beeps )
You gotta go.
I am late.
Here’s your lunch.
Hey, Tasty Cakes.
Yeah. Be careful.
Always am.
( upbeat, jazzy theme playing )
( bus horn honking )
( brakes screech )
Stay out of the bus lane!
Hey!
Vivek, my man!
The Mets
are going all the way, Ralph.
You’ll do very well.
Oh, yeah. You know that.
Do you have a wager
on the game tonight, Ralph?
Well, no, not exactly.
Let’s just say
I’m taking advantage
of certain
economic opportunities.
Or, as my investment guru…
Bart Roberts, says,
“Kick open the door
and opportunity
don’t have to knock.”
Heh, heh.
Yeah, Bart Roberts.
WAITRESS:
Order up!
Girls, come over here.
Come over here.
I have something
to show you.
This is your new uniform.
Oh, no. No.
You don’t like it?
Mm-mm.
But I like the neckline,
the V–
The Health Inspector
is coming soon.
We got to keep
everything clean.
Now, I’m gonna
show you something.
You see this?
Ah.
And then…
See? Spotless.
Voilà.
Yes.
Excuse me!
I’d…
I’d like to order.
Alice,
please take him,
because I can tell
he’s gonna
get on my nerves.
Hi. How can I help you today?
Yes, uh…Alice.
I would like
an egg-white omelet,
and if I could get
a clean glass of water.
Well, precious,
we don’t separate our eggs here,
and that’s about as clean
as it’s gonna get.
Well, what do you have
that’s similar
to an egg-white omelet?
Eggs.
Well, then by all means,
why don’t you just bring me
whatever’s convenient for you.
Ah, do I need to take off
my heels?
No, no, not yet.
I’ve angered you.
I’m sorry.
– It happens a lot.
– Alice, hello.
Oh, hi, Miss Benvenuti.
How are you?
I’m fine. Hi, Trixie.
Miss Benvenuti,
what a pleasure.
Please.
If you just
buy my house,
that will be
pleasure enough.
Miss Benvenuti,
you’re selling
that cute little duplex
over on Hart Street?
Yes. I can’t take
the winters anymore.
Mr. Davis here
and his company
are thinking
of buying my house.
Yes, we are.
So if you girls could just go
and cook something.
Ignoring you.
Yeah, I wish
we would’ve known,
because we’ve been looking
to buy a duplex for years.
Well, I’m sorry,
but my company’s
already buying this one.
We’re not a company
or anything,
but we would like
a nice place
to move into
with our husbands,
have a few
little babies.
A little Trixie.
Everything’s
so expensive nowadays.
Yes, it is. Wishing you hadn’t
dropped out of high school?
Still ignoring you.
So, Miss Benvenuti,
how much are you asking
for the duplex?
Alice?
Cool.
Yo, Norton!
ED: Yeah?
Let’s go, Mets!
ANNOUNCER:
Bottom of the ninth inning…
RALPH:
This is killing me
right here.
I’m telling you, Ralph,
the Mets is gonna
do their thing.
But Cameron can’t
strike out this time, man.
I mean,
what is he doing?
Yeah, right!
I know!
And the guy hits good.
TRIXIE:
Ed, the most
amazing thing
happened today.
You have to listen–
We don’t bother you
when you’re watching
your stories.
Now, let us
watch the game.
No, but we’ve got
great news, though.
Not now, baby.
This is the last inning.
You have money on this game?
No.
I’m a businessman, okay,
not a gambler.
ED:
Come on, Mets.
Okay, wait. You remember
Miss Benvenuti?
Well, she’s selling
her duplex.
Mm-hm. It’s a huge duplex,
and all we have to do
is come up with $20,000
for the down payment.
But she’s only giving us
two weeks.
Two-one pitch.
Cameron grounds out.
Swing the bat!
Would you guys listen?
Just listen.
Yeah, between the four of us,
we already have
half of it.
They’ve got $5000 saved,
and we got $5300, right?
Oh, yeah, something like that,
give or take.
He’s got
a full count, man. Ah!
What are they trying
to do, kill me?
Wait,
wait, wait.
What do you mean,
give or take? Ralph…
You didn’t take any money
out of our savings account,
did you?
Don’t know what
she’s talking about.
You know.
Look, look,
maybe I went into our account,
and maybe I took
some money.
But then again,
maybe someone
has a birthday coming up,
and I’m just trying
to surprise her.
My birthday’s
in eight months, Ralph.
Okay, maybe I got the dates
mixed up.
She know who
the boss is.
I know who
the boss, baby.
Here they go.
Here they go, man.
RALPH:
Make me some money, baby!
Get this hit right here.
It’s for the marbles!
Three-two-pitch.
Cameron swings…
Oh!
And sends it deep to left!
Oh, he got hold of it!
It’s going deep!
It’s outta here!
Yeah!
Yeah, Mets!
That’s what I thought!
Hey! Baby!
Whoo!
Oh! My baby!
Is he okay?
We don’t have
no insurance.
Norton, get up!
The Mets!
Mets!
What did I tell you?
What did I tell you?
Go, Mets!
What did I tell you?
I’m gonna show you
what’s in these boxes.
You wanna see?
I wanna see it.
There’s money
in these boxes, baby.
Money, money, money.
Money for anything
you want.
Money for the house.
Money for anything.
You gotta be
fast on your feet
to make it in this world.
You know
what I’m saying?
When I’m the first one
to hit the streets with this,
I’m gonna make
a fortune.
What stuff, Ed?
Mets stuff.
Official merchandise.
Ralph met a guy on the bus
who gave him a godfather deal.
Yeah, that’s right.
Godfather deal.
Yo. Boom!
Never seen a Met fan
wearing one of those.
No, that’s a throwback.
It’s gotta be in the other box.
This one’s the wrong one.
We don’t play.
ED:
It’s this box
right here.
There you go.
They just made a mistake.
Yeah.
It’s all good.
Get ready, ladies.
RALPH:
Yeah. That’s is it.
Cashola.
This is it.
Here we go.
There it is.
Boom!
What the…?
Ralph, why?
You had
to know better.
This would’ve been
big money, baby.
I mean…
I was investing in your future.
Really?
Like the time you invested $900
to market the, uh…?
Oh! The pet cactus?
Hey. A couple kids
get poked in the eye
and get cornea colitis
and ruin it
for everybody?
Yeah.
That’s not my fault.
Oh,
my personal favorite,
the velour fanny pack.
That’s a man-purse.
And I was this close
to getting Al Roker to wear one
on the Today Show,
wasn’t I?
ED:
He sure was.
He was this close.
I was with him the day–
You’re not helping.
TRIXIE:
Listen, Alice,
we’ll get the money
for the house somehow.
No, we won’t.
It’s always going to be
like this, Trix.
Living
paycheck to paycheck,
hand-to-mouth,
never having anything
to call our own.
But, no, you know what?
Hey, it’s cool, right?
‘Cause most people in the world
live like this, right?
I just didn’t think
it’d be so hard.
Alice.
Alice, come on.
( door slams )
I know from the outside
looking in,
it seems as though I have
a perfect relationship,
but the truth
of the matter
is that Alice and I
don’t always get along.
Wow, I never noticed that!
Ooh!
Look, man, she’s mad,
but she’ll get over it.
She wasn’t mad.
Mad, you do get over.
Mad, I can handle.
I know how to deal with mad.
But the look she had
on her face,
it was like…
she was
disappointed in me.
Like she didn’t
believe in me anymore.
And I don’t know,
if that’s the case,
then how do you
come back from that?
Show her that you’re sorry.
Buy her ass something.
With what? I’m broke!
Look, check this out.
I know a dude right now
selling Cadillac wheels.
I’m talking about the spinners.
The gold ones.
We ain’t got no damn car.
I also know a dude
that sell earrings–
Norton.
Look…
It’s getting crazy out here.
Okay, come on,
let’s go shoot some pool.
That’s why I never like
to brainstorm around you.
You’re very critical.
( Genevese’s “Fire”
playing on speakers )
Whoa. Wait, now.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Why do you
get to break?
I’ll tell you why
I get to break.
Because you broke last time.
Oh, no, no. You broke last time.
Know what? Fine.
We’ll flip for it.
Here. You call.
I wanna flip.
Okay, flip.
Okay, I’m gonna flip it.
Flip it.
Heads.
No, I wanted heads.
Well, tails then.
I wanted tails too.
I got a big appetite
for tails too.
Just break!
All right,
I’m gonna do it.
You are the most ridiculous man
I’ve ever met.
Maybe so, but I’m breaking.
♪ Talkin’ sexy… ♪
♪ Oh… ♪
♪ You know
I hit it right tonight ♪
♪ Beat them off
Like a Tyson fight ♪
♪ All that go nice ♪
♪ Draws on like a headset
Manolos ♪
♪ Lookin’ just right
You damn right ♪
♪ Oh, yeah
Let me take you out the door ♪
♪ Whisper truth in your ear ♪
♪ Tell you all them
Naughty things ♪
♪ You been dyin’ to hear
Waitin’ in the back ♪
♪ While you tuck in
Your hair ♪
♪ We can take it
From the dance floor ♪
♪ Onto a chair, come on ♪
♪ Top on the broad day
Lettin’ ’em stare ♪
♪ That’s the CD
Gettin’ you off ♪
♪ Bring you back to the crib ♪
Would you just shoot!
♪ Fire
Don’t you know ♪
♪ I’m on fire ♪
That’s on you, Ralph.
Oh, no,
you don’t, Norton.
Hey.
Oh, it’s on, baby.
Ralphie!
Norton!
( crashing, groaning )
Where’s my other hand?
I can’t find my other hand!
It’s right there.
It’s there.
No, no. I’m gonna go
back in there.
Don’t hold me back.
Don’t hold me back.
How you gonna
throw Kramden out?
Ralph.
I’m gonna go back.
( “William Tell Overture”
ring tone plays)
What are you doing?
I was about to go back
in there.
What’s wrong with you?
No time to play.
We got a major backup
in the sewer system.
How come every time
a toilet clogs up in this town
they call you?
I’m a specialist.
It’s like being a brain surgeon
or Spider-Man.
Spider-Man. Spider-Man
wouldn’t have got us beat down
and thrown out of no pool hall!
( r & b song playing softly
on stereo )
( knocking on door)
Come in, Trix.
♪ Everybody want something ♪
♪ And they don’t earn it ♪
♪ Everybody wanna get money ♪
What do you have on?
Don’t act like you don’t
recognize my Ralph gear.
I got my loud-ass
lime-green T-shirt
that should’ve made us
millionaires,
my 1987 leopard-print
fanny pack,
complete inside
with a baby pet cactus
in case a brother
wanna get rowdy on the train,
’cause you know
how they can act up.
And to top it off…
The Rainbrella Kangol.
And you know I’ll wear it 24-7
’cause rain
ain’t got no schedule.
It’s kinda sexy.
Come on, Alice, you gotta admit,
your man is tryin’.
Yeah. Yeah.
( clanging )
( all cheering )
This is what I do, huh?
Right, hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, yeah!
Yeah, baby, man!
Come on, Ralph.
I know I smell a little stinky,
but come on
and give your man some love.
I’m– I’m cool on the love.
Thank you.
Can we go?
It’s this way.
Come on, Ralph,
I got something to show you.
This the scenic route.
We’re lost, aren’t we?
Ralph, if you lay it out
end to end,
the New York City
sewer system
will stretch
about 6600 miles.
A city beneath the city.
And I got it all
right here.
( groans )
It’s just
around here, Ralph.
Check this out.
It’s gonna be worth it.
Whoa.
( Ralph whistles )
City beneath the city.
Whoo, damn!
Mahogany paneling,
velvet curtains.
This is bad.
What did I tell you?
We find these down here
from time to time.
Owned by some
rich white dude
before flying
got popular, Ralph.
Solid brass.
Imagine that.
Rich enough
to own your own train.
Well, someone’s
going to.
The city’s auctioning it off.
I don’t know what for, though.
Who would want to own
their own train car?
( light, comic theme plays )
Norton!
What is it, Ralph?
This is it.
What’s it?
We buy the train.
We put an engine on it.
Slap some wheels on it.
Maybe a new paint job.
I can get Alice to decorate.
And we’ll give tours
of New York City.
“I’m Ralph Kramden,
and welcome to New York
and all the five boroughs.”
You know what, Ralph?
Those tours
make a lot of money too, man.
This is why you need me
to do the thinking.
Yeah.
Because sometimes
you gotta take the long view.
Yeah.
Okay. So we won’t be able
to get the girls
some little duplex now.
All right.
But soon…
Yeah?
We can buy ’em a palace.
Awwww….
Kapow!
Yeah, man, this is it!
( man speaking indistinctly )
Oh, yeah.
This is the place
where it’s gonna go down.
Hey, I got another riddle
for you, Ralph.
Norton, not now, okay?
I’m assessing the room.
Look, look.
Twelve o’clock
right there.
It’s a fellow entrepreneur.
I know one
when I see him.
He’s looking
at our train.
We don’t have the cash
to get into a bidding war.
We really don’t.
According to my investment
guru, Bart Roberts,
“If you know you can’t compete,
you may
have to practice deceit.”
Now, that there
is a very fine train.
Ralph Kramden.
Hitako Kawakami.
Hmm.
Well, thank you,
Mr…
“Hikato Kamakwami.”
Here we go.
This is me right here.
“Ralph Kramden…
International”?
Well, for now.
But we are expanding
to a more global approach.
( whistles )
Man, they must have dug
in the archives
for this old picture.
What do you mean?
This doesn’t look anything
like the train they’re selling.
No.
You’ve seen it?
Have I seen–?
Of course I’ve seen it.
It’s right out the door.
Come with me,
and I’ll show you
the train.
Sold! 230.
Lucky lady in the back.
Next up.
It’s back and to the left.
AUCTIONEER:
An off-site item,
a Pullman train car.
Train car?
We’ll start the bidding
at $1000.
One thousand dollars.
KAWAKAMI:
I want to bid!
Do I hear 2?
KAWAKAMI:
Two thousand!
ED:
Ralph!
Two thousand.
Two thousand from the guy
over by the door.
Norton, stop!
Do I hear 2500?
Twenty-five hundred.
It’s finally going
in the right direction.
No, no.
Three thousand dollars!
Three thousand.
Get him out!
Thirty-five hundred!
No–
Thirty-five hundred
going once…
Over here!
I’m bidding over here.
Once, twice, three times!
The train is mine!
Sold!
Thank you.
Aah!
( grunts )
I wish you would.
I’m a purple belt.
♪ America, America ♪
You’re so good, Trix.
Why didn’t you ever
become a singer?
I know I should’ve,
but I have acid reflux.
Ooh.
You know that.
Uh-oh.
It’s the competition.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Alice’s friend.
My name is Trixie,
and I don’t like you.
Oh, stop, please.
We got off to a bad start.
I’d like
to make amends.
It’s about time somebody does.
You want to live
in the Benvenuti place
and I want to own it.
We can all get what we want.
– Should I cut him?
– Let’s go.
No, listen. I’m developing
15 affordable units
on that property.
I’ll save a big fat sunny
corner unit for each of you.
I’m a fun landlord.
15 units on that little lot?
That doesn’t make
a lot of sense.
I’m developing the whole block.
But I need her property
to close the deal.
I think he’s crazy, Alice.
Look at him.
ALICE:
Forget it.
We don’t do crazy.
Mm-hmm.
( metallic clanging )
How’s it looking, Lenny?
It’s not bad.
I have four or five
old engines
back at the bus yard.
Drive shaft.
Wheels.
I can turn this
into a first-rate tour bus!
What’d I tell you?
What’d I tell you?
Lenny, the best mechanic
in the whole MTA.
He said it.
How much, Lenny? How much?
Oh, for Ralph?
Whatever it costs for parts.
I get most for free,
if you know what I mean.
Ha, ha!
We gonna be rich!
We gonna be rich!
Norton, what’d I tell you?
You said it.
Gonna be rich!
Hey, Lenny,
I’m gonna let you in on it too.
I’m gonna
give him something.
Hey, Ralph,
I got one question
for you.
How you gonna get this thing
out of here?
Lenny, it’s a train, okay?
We’re just gonna roll it out.
We’re gonna
roll it out.
How you gonna do that
when all you have is, uh…
20 feet of track?
Uh, you don’t…?
You don’t need track
to roll a train out, do you?
It’s 60 feet below street level.
It’s gonna
cost you a fortune
to move that train.
Well, Ralph…
Look like you…
Gladys Knight
without the Pips.
( The O’Jays’ “For the Love
of Money” playing )
What are you doing out
so late, Miss Celestine?
I could ask you
the same question.
It looks like I’m gonna be doing
a lot of double shifts
from now on.
Oh, really?
Em, what’s your poison?
Gambling?
Drink?
Hos?
Oh, no. No, no. None of that.
Just…
worked myself into a jam
trying to get along
a little better.
Aren’t we all?
♪ Some people got to have it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Some people really need it ♪
♪ Listen to me, y’all ♪
♪ Do things, do things
Do things, bad things with it ♪
Man, I worked
four double shifts this week.
Damn, Ralph, we need
to pimp some midgets,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, tell me about it.
( clattering )
What was that?
I don’t know.
Sounded like a big rat
or something.
Come on, let’s go.
( faint whimpering )
What are you do–? Norton,
what are you doing, man?
Get away
from the Dumpster.
It’s a dog.
Aw, man.
Why would somebody
do this to a dog?
Ralph, give me some help.
What?
I’m not coming near
no Dumpster!
Give me some help.
An innocent dog–
( thudding )
Oh, come on.
Get him out.
( whimpering )
Oh, wow.
Look at him, Ralph.
I’m gonna clean him up,
put him a nice little collar
on him,
some rhinestones.
Call him Iggy.
Iggy?
Iggy’s the perfect name
for a dog in the hood.
Come on, don’t get
so excited, all right?
We’re not
keeping the dog.
Besides, the super
would never let us
have him in the building.
I ain’t got time for a dog
anyway, Ralph.
The dog is not coming with us.
Let’s go.
Don’t worry about it, Iggy.
You’re coming home
with us, baby.
( distant barking )
Oh, boy.
There’s some leftovers
in the kitchen.
Oh, it’s okay, baby.
I ate already
with Norton.
Sorry to wake you.
You didn’t wake me.
I couldn’t sleep.
I keep hearing barking.
I think somebody snuck a dog
in the building or something.
I’m sure you’re just
imagining things.
( barking continues )
Ooh!
These double shifts
are killing me.
Baby?
Yeah.
That house means the world to me
and I’m not gonna lose it
without a fight.
I mean, if we can’t get
the money by next Monday,
Mrs. B’s gonna be forced to sell
to that idiot developer,
William Davis.
And…
well, um…
( speaking quickly ):
I’m gonna ask my mama
for the money.
What? Your mama don’t have
that kind of money.
It’s $10,000.
That’s all we need, right?
Well, sure.
( softly ):
If I hadn’t spent the rest of it
on the train.
Huh?
No, I was just kind of
adding it up in my brain.
And…
baby, you really should
go by and see the house.
I mean, Norton’s
already seen it.
Yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna
get by there.
Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
( barking continues )
I talked to some guys
about getting the train
out of the sewer.
How much?
You don’t want to know.
We gotta get ahold
of some cash.
Today.
MAN:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Look at that, man.
Break party. Break party.
( indistinct chattering )
( “Looking for the Perfect Beat”
playing on boom box )
♪ Universal b-boy
Looking for the perfect beat ♪
♪ Beat, beat, beat, beat ♪
♪ Looking for
The perfect beat ♪
♪ Searching for
The perfect beat ♪
♪ Seeking for
The perfect beat ♪
♪ I must get mine
I’m out to get it ♪
Sorry to disturb you
at this time, ma’am.
My name is Ed.
And I’m Ralph,
and what a lovely home
you have.
Help us.
We can’t see a thing.
Billy.
What’s up? It’s Ralph Kramden.
How you doing?
Vacation.
Oh, it’s William now.
Remember I loaned you $6?
You got that?
The Brooklyn
Youth Program
is a program to keep young
little brothers like ourselves
off the street
from stealing hubcaps
and breaking
into your house
while you’re not
at home.
Yes.
( metal detector beeps )
Jeannie Lincoln.
Remember we went on a date
and it was supposed to be Dutch
but I paid?
Two blind men
and a dog.
That’s a nice
little sweater there.
Hey…
♪ This is what you gotta do ♪
♪ This is what you must do
Beat this! ♪
♪ Beat this! ♪
♪ Beat this! ♪
Look at that, man.
Throw a dog a bone!
Throw a dog–
Wait a minute.
I want some money.
Give me $5, man!
♪ Looking
For the perfect beat ♪
♪ And it will help you
Reach your peak ♪
♪ Keep dancing
To our perfect beat ♪
♪ And it will help you
Reach your peak ♪
Hey, come here!
What are you doing?
♪ And it will help you
Reach your peak ♪
( dog barking )
Oh!
Get off of me!
Ed! You’ve gotta do
something about this dog!
I told you,
I’m watching him
for a friend.
Here, boy!
Go get it!
If things go right
with this house,
we can get a dog
for the yard.
And name him Patches?
Or Iggy!
Iggy?
♪ Baby, if you only knew… ♪
I mean, man, have you
seen the house? Wow.
It’s got a back yard for Iggy
and everything.
Yeah, man.
So Alice invited her mother over
for dinner.
Her mama’s coming over?
I better come over there with
my referee T-shirt on, then.
She plans on asking her
for the money for the house.
Wait a minute. You done told
Alice about the train money?
Oh, no!
It’s been my experience
that too much honesty
can ruin a good relationship.
Yeah.
RALPH:
Look at them
over there.
What do you think
they’re talking about?
Us, bad weaves,
fake Louis Vuitton
purses.
I mean, what do they
always talk about?
Let’s say the conforming
interest rate is 6.5 percent
at one-and-a-half points.
Does that leave us room
for a two-one buydown?
I don’t think
you’d want to do that
in the first three years,
but we could always
run the numbers.
Hmm.
ALICE: Look at them over there.
No, no, no, Ed.
What do you think
they’re talking about?
You know how men are.
They’d like us to believe
they’re talking about religion
or politics
or economic injustice…
but you know
all they really care about is–
Beyoncé is more
peach-shaped.
Like the way
Chaka Khan used to be
back in the day.
Chaka Khan used to be built
like a bleach bottle
back in the day.
( chuckles )
Yeah.
Hi, Iggy.
Go!
( barking )
Ooh.
Damn, that dog can run!
ED:
Oh, yeah.
You better believe it.
Norton, that’s it!
We race Iggy!
( starting bell ringing )
How many years did you guys say
you’ve been racing greyhounds?
Oh, 11.
Six.
Ah, 11 years,
but six times
in dog years,
of course.
Give or take.
Right. Right.
Five or ten years.
He got in it first.
Yeah.
Actually,
I brought him into the business.
See, actually, we are…
brothers.
Cousins.
Different moms.
Yeah.
My father used to train
neglected Chihuahuas–
Gentlemen.
And then–
It really doesn’t matter.
What I do want to know is
how it is you’ve been racing
greyhound champions
for six to 11 years…
and I never heard of you?
Well, actually,
I can explain that.
You know, actually, we–
The past few years,
we’ve been racing
exclusively in Argentina.
Yeah, you might’ve seen us
on Telemundo before?
No, I didn’t.
I didn’t know
they raced dogs in Argentina.
Yeah, ever since
the Shah took over.
The Shah of Argentina?
Look, Mr. Kirby,
we got a dog here
who’s itching to run.
How about this weekend?
This weekend is
the track’s Anniversary Derby.
Well, good.
Sign us up.
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
That’s a $20,000 stakes race.
Twenty thousand dollars?
American dollars?
What he is saying is that
we don’t normally
race for such low stakes.
No, we don’t.
But we’ll make an exception.
Hell, yeah,
we will make an exception.
Stop.
KIRBY:
Well, kennel sickness
has hit us pretty hard
this week.
It’s a very extensive
screening process.
Who’s his sire?
What’s a sire?
His dam?
His damn what?
His lineage?
Are you talking about
his tailor?
No, he don’t wear clothes.
He’s got a 10-inch inseam.
( chuckles )
Mr. Kirby, look. We got a dog.
He’s ready to run.
You’ve had some scratches.
All we want is a chance.
That’s it.
All right, I’m going to give him
a time trial tomorrow.
If he qualifies,
he runs.
Oh, that’s
what I’m sayin’!
KIRBY:
Who’s his trainer?
He don’t need no trainer. No.
He don’t need no trainer.
He’s housebroken.
He needs a trainer.
Get Dodge.
He’s the guy for you.
( man inhaling )
You Dodge?
Hell, no.
You got the wrong sucker.
Why? Who’s asking?
We’re looking for
a trainer.
Why didn’t you say so, man?
What are you,
socially retarded?
What’s up?
The name is Dodge.
What’s up? Okay.
Who–? Mr. Kirby sent you?
Yeah.
Well, that’s cool,
’cause I’m a canine behaviorist.
I train, board and breed
greyhounds.
I specialize
in temperamentally unsound,
psychologically unstable
genetical throwbacks.
I do not pick up excreta.
And I run
my facilities
right out of this place.
It says here you sell timeshares
in the Poconos.
What? Let me see that.
Oh, yeah, my bad.
Wrong card, man.
“Importifications.”
“Underage Mail Order Brides.”
“S&M fashion consultant.”
You know what?
We don’t need cards, man.
We don’t need cards.
We’re dog people.
We got a bond, a fellowship.
Hey, look at the dog.
Look at him.
He seems really
bright, alert.
What’s his name?
That’s Iggy.
I’m Ralph and this is Ed.
Hey, Ralph, Ed.
You carry your dog around
on a rope?
You siphon gas out of a car.
What’s your point, man?
What? What, you–?
That?
Yeah.
You think I’m stealing?
Man, that’s my friend’s car.
Come on.
We prank each other
all the time.
You know.
I siphon gas out of his car,
he siphons out of my car,
yada-yada, blasé-blasé.
Hey, tell you what I’m gonna do.
I’m gonna train your dog
for $500. Cash.
I don’t know.
You know what?
I’ll let you think about it.
Give you a moment.
No pressure.
I don’t know. Does this guy
look like a dog trainer?
What does a dog trainer
look like? I don’t know.
Kirby said Dodge.
Yeah. That’s…
He said Dodge, right?
That’s what Kirby said.
Okay. All right.
Okay, we’ll do it.
We’ll do it.
All right. Good decision, man!
Five hundred cash.
That’s it, baby.
Let me check.
Hey! Hey, nice man-purse!
You mean this fanny-pack thing?
I got this off a homeless guy
for a quarter.
Some sucker made, like,
a thousand of these.
Hey, look, what are we going
to do about the training?
It’s like this.
Let break it down for you, okay?
We’re a partnership now,
a ménage à trois, all right?
You put in capital,
I put in experience.
At the end, you get
the experience.
I keep the capital.
Is that cool?
Great. Great.
The thing is,
I like to work at night,
if you don’t mind.
During the day,
it’s just too crowded.
Too many people, too many dogs.
So let’s say we meet out
back over there
about 9 sharp?
Okay, 9, 9:00, okay.
Remember, there are
no bad dogs,
only bad owners.
All right? Remember that.
I gotta bounce.
( pounding on door )
Hi, Mom!
Somewhere around
the third flight of stairs,
I think I caught TB.
Here.
Oh, a pie!
Oh, and a box
of wine.
That is so nice.
Don’t get too excited.
I’m taking back
what we don’t drink.
Just have a seat on the couch
and relax,
and I’ll just pop a hole
in the top
and bring you a glass.
Table setting
for three?
Does that mean
he’s going to be here?
He lives here.
Not for long,
if Jesus
would quit making movies
and answer the prayers
of a righteous woman.
( Van Hunt’s
“Seconds of Pleasure” playing )
♪ Seconds of pleasure ♪
♪ Life’s little treasures ♪
Hey, sweet face.
( screams )
( “Seconds of Pleasure”
stops playing )
Hell, no! Oh, no.
What happened?
You married a damn pervert!
That’s what happened!
Look, baby, it was just
a big misunderstanding.
Next, you’ll probably say
you thought I was Alice.
Of course
I thought you were Alice!
Aha!
That’s exactly
what a pervert would say.
Woman, one day,
you are gonna push me too far!
The only thing that can push you
is a bulldozer!
ALICE:
Mom.
Mom, how about you go wash up,
’cause everything’s under
control,
and I’ll just deal
with my little pervert here.
( growls )
( growls back )
What is she doing here?
I’m asking my mother
for the money tonight.
Tonight?
Yes.
No. no, no, no. Not tonight.
Tonight you can’t because, um,
Norton and I
have to go to the lodge.
The lodge?
What are you, Fred Flintstone?
The lodge?
Look, I– Woman, I–
I got somewhere to be.
That’s all
you need to know.
And that’s it-tah!
I refuse
to lose this house
over another one
of your half-assed schemes.
Half-assed schemes?
Mm-hm.
Let me tell you something.
This country was built
on half-assed schemes.
I’m talking about
real inventive stuff here.
Like the guy who came up
with the thong. Okay?
He was short on material
and he used what he had!
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
I’m asking my mother for the
money for the house tonight,
and I expect you to be
on your very best behavior.
Look–
Ralph Kramden…
your very best behavior.
( door opens )
( rumbling )
( train rumbling fades
into distance )
Well, so far,
everything’s edible.
( laughs )
( chuckles )
Uh…
How about I get the entrées?
Ooh, entrées!
You going to France
for those?
( laughs )
Just one good swing.
What are you doing?
Trixie’s coming home.
I couldn’t let her see Iggy.
You can’t leave him here.
Alice’s mama is over for dinner.
She’s in there right now
asking for our house money.
So if Alice get the check
and she tries to deposit–
I know. She’s gonna know
the account is empty.
That’s why this meal
can’t go well.
How you gonna do that?
MOTHER:
I know you’re
in there
eating all our dinners.
Just don’t make the same
mistake you made last time.
When you hit plate, stop!
Ha, ha!
( snorts, laughs )
( laughter continues )
Oh, you going straight
to hell for this one.
Mother Gibson,
that’s free-range chicken.
What a chicken
does on his free time
is no never mind to me.
This is too much food for me.
I’m on a diet.
Oh, here, take my plate.
I don’t have that much.
Thank you, baby.
I wanted your mother
to have the white meat.
I’m perfectly happy
with the dark.
Give me
the white meant, then.
No, it’s fine.
Give it.
Ralph.
No, Give me–
Ralph–
Give me the plate,
woman!
Mama?
Mm.
Mm-mm-mm. The chicken
is delicious.
ALICE:
Ralph?
Eat.
Yeah.
I’ve never seen you
turn down food before.
MOTHER:
So, what do you want,
Alice?
ALICE:
I thought we’d wait till
after dinner to talk about that.
MOTHER:
I thought
you’d marry a lawyer.
Apparently,
we both thought wrong.
( coughing )
MOTHER:
Oh, let me guess.
You need money?
We want to buy a house.
It’s a duplex, actually,
with Ed and Trixie.
MOTHER:
Well, you know,
truth be told,
buying a house
is a big investment.
Yeah, that is the truth.
That is the truth.
And it hurts, you know?
I can
see that.
Never seen you
so torn up about money before.
We are putting in all of our
savings, but we’re still short.
About $10,000.
Ten thousand dollars?
Who do you think I am,
Weezy Jefferson?
God rest her soul.
But it’s a beautiful
duplex, Mama,
with a back yard and everything.
Right near the diner, even.
So, what do you think?
You should have married
Larry Filmore.
He’s taking over
the funeral parlor.
RALPH:
Aah! Bathroom!
Just give me some time
to marinate on it.
That’s fair enough.
Is something
wrong with you?
You know, it’s just
that we’ve been so worried
about asking you for the money
for the house,
and sharing a meal over it
is just a beautiful thing.
I’m ready for dessert.
Anybody?
Yeah. Mama brought a pie.
And Mama’s gonna go get it.
Mama’s coming
to the kitchen?
Your mama’s
going to the kitchen!
Tell the truth.
You’re on the pipe,
aren’t you, boy?
Oh, there it is!
My famous
apple crumble crisp pie!
Oh!
( stammers )
I don’t even want to know.
Where do you keep
the paper towels?
Oh, right up under the…
We don’t have any.
We, you know,
I don’t believe in that,
with the rain forest
and everything.
You know, there’s something
really, really wrong with you.
Where’s the dog?
He’s right there.
( bangs )
Look, we gotta go right now.
They said if we don’t
get there by 9, we can’t race.
They’re not going
to let me leave right now.
Ralph, come join us
for dessert!
Okay, babe. I’ll be in there
in just a second.
The pilot light
went out.
He’s fixing the pilot.
He’s handy.
How do we get out of here?
The fire escape.
Oh, hell, no.
Boy, you coming in here or not?
My pie’s getting stale.
Damn.
I got another riddle
for you.
What’s lighter
than a feather,
but yet the strongest man
can’t hold it very long?
Not now, Norton, okay?
I’m trying not to break
my neck up here.
Come on. What’s lighter
than a feather–?
Your breath.
Wow, you a genius!
ALICE: Ralph?
Almost got it, babe.
I’ll be right there.
Are you sure
this thing can hold us?
We come down this
all the time, Ralph.
Oh, man!
Norton, you know
I hate heights.
Come on, Ralph.
You can do it.
Just chill, man.
I’ll help you.
I can’t, man.
I ain’t gonna be able
to do this, man.
Ralph, you’re gonna
get us busted!
Go slow.
Aaah!
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on, Ralph.
Come on, Ralph.
( creaking )
What’s the noise, man?
Come on. Come on.
I’m cool, right?
I’m good. Everything–
See, Ralph?
It ain’t that bad.
Everything–
Jesus!
MOTHER: You see anything?
ALICE: No.
Now, where’d that crazy husband
of yours run off to?
You know, Mom,
I think he said something
about a meeting
at the lodge tonight.
( speaks indistinctly )
Ooh!
Oh, well,
that’s more dessert for us.
( both whimpering )
Ralph, I gotta confess
something to you.
Man, just hold on.
We gonna die!
I gotta get my life
right with the Lord.
One day, I was
coming down there
to get some milk from y’all
on the fire escape,
and I seen Alice naked.
I ain’t lyin’.
And sometimes…
I think about her.
You–
( both screaming )
( screaming stops )
Ah!
DODGE: I forgot my keys.
RALPH: Yeah, right.
DODGE: Hey, I’m not going
to lie to you, man.
I’m having problems, okay?
My wife left me.
Technically, she’s not my wife,
she’s somebody else’s.
But the pain lingers all the
same, you know what I mean?
( police radio chatter )
Duck, duck, duck!
What you mean, “duck”?
What’s going on?
It’s okay. It’s all right.
No problem. He didn’t see us.
Are we breaking
in here?
We not breaking in.
Why you profiling me, baby?
Why you profiling me?
It’s a competitive business!
I don’t want other trainers
to steal my secrets!
Okay, fellas.
Dog racing
is about show business,
and the show counts.
And it starts the minute
you walk your dog
onto the battlefield.
And this is the walk.
( upbeat salsa music playing )
Brisk. Brisk. Brisk. Brisk.
Brisk. Brisk.
Arms down, arms down,
arms down.
Confidence. Don’t be arrogant.
Don’t be arrogant.
It’s not a tug of war.
It’s not a tug of war.
Watch out! Watch out!
Get the dog! Get the dog!
Get the dog! Get the dog!
There you go. Good boy.
He’s great, man, great.
Six-five pounds.
Less than 4 percent body fat.
All musc-les. Yeah.
You know, I had
a French aerobics teacher.
Leslie was her name.
Just like that, really flexible,
except not enough soft places,
you know what I’m saying? Right?
( chortles )
Okay, for Iggy
to be competitive,
he’s gotta run
at least a 32.30.
This is
the moment of truth, fellas.
Ralph, Eddie, you ready?
Three! Two! One!
All right, fellas.
We run into a couple problems.
Nothing minor.
I gotta train
his mind.
That’s it, Iggy. Relax. Relax.
That’s it.
Good boy. Breathe.
( inhaling and exhaling )
Breathe. That’s it.
( imitating barking )
( flaps lips )
( howls )
You know, my parents find it
really difficult
to explain to people
what I do for a living.
Hm.
Iggy, you are one of
the most ancient canine breeds.
The pharaoh’s favorite.
The Greek king’s son.
You’re a born winner.
A born winner, boy.
Live up to it.
( groans )
I… I don’t know.
I don’t know.
( in Cuban accent ):
Listen to me, pooch.
Okay? I’m talking to you!
Nobody quits on Tony Montana,
you hear me?
RALPH:
You’re a dog.
It’s a racetrack.
You can win this thing!
DODGE:
Iggy, baby,
you listen to me.
I’m not who you think I am.
I’m not the best trainer
in the world.
I started out with nothing
and I still got most of it left.
They wanted me to get you
pregnant by a pit bull.
RALPH:
Iggy!
Look at me
when I’m talking to you!
Your dogs would’ve had
little bodies with big heads,
just walking
down the street like this.
You could have been a contender,
but instead, you’re a bum!
You win that race,
you get the power,
and then you get the bitches!
oh, yes!
All right, fellas,
the dog’s a straight-up dud.
What? A dud?
Who you calling a dud?
What do you mean?
You’re a trainer.
Train the dog.
I’ve seen this dog move.
I’ve seen him move too.
You’re a dud! Iggy!
Were you drinking at the time
when you saw him move?
Iggy, it’s not that hard.
Watch this.
Let me think about it.
Let me just think,
let me think.
I got it. I got it.
Why don’t we Nancy Kerrigan
the other dogs?
You mean hit the dogs
in the knee?
No, just the back,
the hind legs.
No.
All right, that’s a little
too aggressive for you?
Don’t worry about it.
Vitamins?
A little stronger than that.
It works for me.
Nobody needs to know.
They don’t screen dogs.
They don’t?
No, no.
It’s just between
you and me.
( stops timer )
What’d you get?
That was fast.
Hey, nice lap,
Norton.
Eddie.
Eddie, what do you think?
I don’t know how we gonna
get this dog to run.
( squeaks )
( squeaking )
Whoo!
Check that out.
DODGE:
Hey, boss. Psst. Check that out.
You’re impressed at it,
ain’t you?
He’s in.
Yeah!
Assuming you have
all the proper paperwork.
You bring it to the owners
party here tomorrow night.
Not a problem. We’ll have
that paperwork for you.
We will definitely have
the paperwork tomorrow.
What paperwork?
It’s the dog’s
paperwork, documenting
authenticity of line,
license to race,
proof of insurance,
membership in the Greyhound
Association of Amer–
Oh, wow.
All the things you ain’t got.
We can get it.
No, you can’t.
There’s a three-week hold
on the license alone.
Damn.
DODGE: But you know what?
‘Cause you’re my friends,
I’ll expedite it for $600
and you’ll get it
by tomorrow.
$600? No, no.
You already charged us
for the kennel, the dog leash,
$60 for Puppy Chow!
That was
Pedigree Puppy Chow, man.
Come on.
I got overhead.
All right, $300.
Excuse me.
Are you the health inspector?
Look, nice and clean. Spotless.
No, no, no. I need to speak
to Alice Kramden, please.
Oh, Alice is busy.
Excuse me?
Do you know who I am?
Uh, no. No.
You know who I am?
I was born
in a one-bedroom farmhouse
with five brothers who I raised.
I was born in China
88 years ago
in a Chinese rice field.
I served my country in Vietnam,
where I was
a Golden Gloves Champion
three years running.
Before, when I come,
my English not good-looking,
but now I speak perfect.
I raised six kids.
Buried two husbands.
And am on the lookout
for number three.
Can I call you next week?
What?
Mama, what are you doing here?
Oh, hi, baby.
I just thought
I’d drop this off in person.
Thank you!
Thank you!
You’re welcome!
Thank you!
Trix, we got the money
for the house!
I can’t believe it.
I didn’t think you were
gonna do it.
Well, I was skeptical.
But Ralph seemed
so genuinely worried about it,
I figured
maybe he’s just coming around.
Yeah, maybe he is.
Thank you, Mama!
Oh, you’re welcome.
DAVIS:
Once this is leveled,
it will make a nice entry
to the underground
parking.
Excuse me
a moment.
Here to reconsider my offer?
I’m actually here
to give Mrs. B some news.
Some really good news.
Well, she’s not here.
Please share it with me.
I’d love to.
We’re gonna own this place.
Yeah.
Ed and Trixie upstairs,
and me and Ralph down.
Ralph…?
Ralph, my husband.
Oh.
( chuckles )
What? What’s so funny?
I’m sorry.
It’s just, you know,
come Monday,
you’ll be trespassing.
DAVIS:
Tell me this.
If there’s no money
in her account,
then why is this waitress
hanging around my property?
MAN ( over phone ):
Sir, I told you. I checked.
They have nothing.
No, they’ve got something, Chip.
They’ve got something,
somewhere.
Find out
what the husband is up to.
Ralph Kramden.
That woman
I was telling you about?
Her name is Marlena.
She’s Puerto Rican.
My God. I’ve tried
to talk to her, but…
words won’t come.
I can tell you
a thing or two about women,
that’s if
you’re ready to hear it.
It all begins with
letting her know who’s boss.
Very important.
Alice.
What are you doing here?
I just came from the bank.
It’s a funny story.
You wanna hear it?
VIVEK:
Let her know
who’s boss, Ralph!
RALPH:
Uh, look…
I can explain.
Oh, can you?
Can you now?
I tell the bank
I want to withdraw $4000,
and they tell me
not only
is our account empty,
but here’s the punch line:
We’re overdrawn
by $223.60.
Whoa, whoa, the bank said that?
No, no, there’s gotta be
a mistake, baby,
’cause I don’t know nothing
about no 60 cents.
Where’s the money, Ralph?
I can explain, all right?
But, you know…
taken out of context,
it might sound a little crazy.
Try me.
Norton and I found a train
in the sewer, see–
I want you out
of the apartment, Ralph.
Hold on!
Babe! Wait a minute!
Listen! Listen!
And then we got this dog
out of the Dumpster–
I don’t want to hear it!
I’m done.
Come on, baby,
just 24 more hours, okay?
Twenty-four more hours
and then we can get on
to the life
we both dreamed of.
And what life
is that, Ralph? Huh?
You’ve always been so obsessed
with your own dreams
that you never even
bothered with mine.
How can you say that?
I want the house
just as much as you do!
Then why haven’t you
been by to see it?
‘Cause…
I mean…
Because you’re selfish,
Ralph Kramden.
And I’m done
playing the fool.
( horn honks )
Come on,
move it, all right!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Whatever!
Go ahead! Be my guest!
The trouble is yours!
( watch beeping )
DODGE:
Luckily for me, man,
I’m nearsighted,
so I can date
just about anybody.
I understand
what you’re saying.
Like I’m dating
this lady right now,
she’s about 40,
40-plus, whatever.
I don’t want to marry
her for her money,
but I don’t know
how else to get it,
you know
what I’m saying?
You know, someday,
I’m gonna find somebody special
who’s not gonna press charges.
There he is!
Finally!
Hey, keep it close.
ED:
Ralphie boy!
What are you wearing?
This is a A-list party.
You got D-list all over you,
man. Look at me.
I’m wearing new underwear, even.
Well, they’re new to me, anyway.
Look, I couldn’t change. Alice
kicked me out of the house.
Again?
She found out about the money.
And mad in a mug
about the house.
It’s serious.
Don’t worry about it, Ralph.
Tomorrow, when Iggy’s
in that winner’s circle,
we gonna get paid, and the money
will buy the girls the house.
Yeah, maybe you’re right.
You got the paperwork
for Kirby?
I never disappoint ’cause
I’m always on-point, baby.
Then let’s do this.
Ralph, they’re not
going to let you in
dressed like a thug.
What thug drives a bus?
Besides, where am I gonna
find a suit?
( clears throat )
( flashy pop theme playing )
Man, Ralph, you’re looking
real Temptation-like in
that suit.
I know you ain’t
trying to jone
looking like
the last Blues Brother.
Man, you look great.
Like a plucked sunflower.
Girls love flowers, man.
Oh, wow, I love all your stuff.
I really, really do.
What stuff is she
talking about, Ralph?
I have no idea.
You guys are great.
Looking forward to it.
What is going on here?
They must know
we own Iggy.
I’m telling you, that
dog’s a winner, Ralph.
Well– Hey, let’s find Kirby.
Right, right, right.
( laughing )
You kill me!
Hey, Mr. Kirby.
How are you?
Well, I’m fine.
I’m fine, Mr. Kramden.
That is quite a suit.
DODGE:
You dig that suit, huh?
It would suit you, but I’m out
of the banana. I got pumpkin.
Pumpkin? You didn’t say nothing
about no pumpkin.
Mr. Kirby,
I’ve got the paperwork
for Iggy to be
in the race tomorrow.
Iggy won’t be in the race.
He’s been scratched.
Scratched? What do
you mean, scratched?!
Scratched?
Man, what the–?
I bribed the top people!
I went through procedure
to get this through.
Come on.
I’ll be perfectly honest
with you.
You see,
my new friend over there
has just paid
a good amount of cash
to keep your dog
out of the race.
Here we go.
Wait a minute, who is this guy?
William Davis.
I don’t believe
we’ve had the pleasure.
No, we haven’t
had the pleasure.
‘Cause if we had
been pleasured,
I think
we’d have knowed about it.
Shh.
Better if you don’t talk, man.
Davis.
“Davis Properties” Davis?
That’s right.
That’s the one
Trixie was talking about.
And you are…?
Ralph Kramden.
Oh, yes.
Well, it’s just business.
Nothing personal.
How’s it just pers–?
It’s just business?
And since our business is over,
why don’t you stay,
enjoy the buffet,
and buy yourselves
some drinks.
You raw, man.
Come on, Mr. Kirby.
DODGE:
Boss, it’s me.
Boss, talk to me, baby!
That was
a police move, man.
Let it go, let it go.
“Let it go”?
Just let it go.
I’m here looking
like a rubber ducky
and you’re talking about
letting it go?
Come on,
let’s have a little free punch.
It’s on me.
Lighten things up
a little bit,
’cause I’ve been thinking
and thinking,
and it doesn’t look good.
( stomach gurgling )
And it doesn’t smell good.
Those shrimps got me
with the bubble-guts.
Look, Ralph. Ralph.
You can’t be hating on
Kirby, man. You can’t.
He’s a self-made businessman,
just like you and me.
He started out with $5000,
and now he’s 2 or 3 million
dollars in debt.
You gotta admire that.
I ain’t got no taste,
but I gotta admire
that, you know?
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, Ralph,
but sometimes
the world is cold like that.
It is about
money sometimes.
Yeah, it’s about money.
Pssh.
Look at Kirby.
He thought for one second
he can get paid with Iggy,
we wouldn’t even be
in this situation.
I have been looking
everywhere for you two.
Come on.
What’s going on?
We’re late, come on.
Late for what?
Who do you think we are?
WOMAN:
Come on, Chang, everyone
knows your yellow suit.
( cell phone rings )
RALPH: Chang?
WOMAN:
I’m excited
to finally meet you.
How many times I told you
not to call this number, huh?
Yeah. Why?
Why you gonna call the cops?
Why you gonna call the cops?
I was gonna be there.
I’ll give you the money
on Friday.
Mom! Mom!
You were supposed to start
five minutes ago.
Get up there.
ED:
Huh? What the–?
WOMAN:
Now remember,
you’re getting paid per set.
Okay, go on.
Well, she said
we was getting paid.
Go on ahead.
( Ralph clears throat )
– Hey.
– Huh?
I have an idea.
What kind of idea?
Just follow my lead.
It’s gonna be great.
Test. Testing.
( plays “Chopsticks” )
Oh, yeah, this is great.
This is great.
One, two, three.
Oh, yeah.
Everybody follow me.
How are you, my man?
Good seeing you.
This is some party,
don’t you think?
Beautiful people here,
uh, this evening.
Hey, listen…
How many dreamers,
by a show of hands, do we have?
Where are the dreamers?
All the dreamers?
( plays “Beautiful Dreamer” )
All around there,
there’s dreamers.
I’m a dreamer.
( whispering ):
Hey, the dog.
Get the dog.
( barks and pants )
Right, I got it.
I got it, baby.
Get the dog.
I got this one.
Yeah, I…
You almost got me.
Well,
I, too, am a dreamer.
And I had a dream
that my dog would race
on this beautiful track
tomorrow afternoon.
But that dream just won’t happen
because our dog
has been scratched
due to financial technicalities.
( Norton plays ominous chords )
( transitions
to lilting melody )
( shouts )
RALPH:
Eddie “Left Hand” Norton,
everybody! Wow!
What a surprise that is,
and you don’t know
the half of it.
But Eddie’s beautiful music
only underscores the fact
that my dog has been scratched.
( disappointed murmurs )
Scratched on paper,
but not scratched in spirit.
GUESTS:
Yeah.
And then, uh–
And this man, Dodge.
This is Dodge, our trainer,
and, uh… Come on.
This is Dodge
and our dog, Iggy.
And I know to look at him,
sure, he looks a little mangy,
and sickly looking
and in need of a bath,
but I tell you…
Iggy’s a special dog.
You know,
we found Iggy in a Dumpster.
Damn near dead.
Hadn’t eaten in days,
but like most underdogs,
Iggy’s a survivor.
Like Seabiscuit, Rocky,
Destiny’s Child.
All survivors.
You know, I guess I’m just
saying this to say that
Mr. Kirby, I don’t know why
you’re not letting our dog
race tomorrow,
but he’s already a winner
in my book.
And I’ll put money
on my Dumpster dog
any day of the week!
( cheering )
Any day, Ralph!
So would I!
Me too!
You’re not buying
any of this crap, are you?
A homeless dumpster dog?
You’re kidding.
People are gonna be
falling all over themselves
betting on him.
Mr. Davis, I’m sorry.
If that dog wins,
I’m screwed.
That dog will never win.
You’ll see for yourself.
Mr. Kramden!
Iggy, he’s in!
Yes!
He’s in!
( people clapping )
Bet on Iggy! Iggy!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
What’s going on here?
Who are they?
It’s my piano.
GUESTS ( chanting ):
Iggy! Iggy! Iggy! Iggy! Iggy!
( knocking on door )
Ralph, if you think
you can just waltz in here
and everything’s
gonna be fine,
you have another–
Oh. It’s you guys.
And that dog.
What’s going on?
Ed’s got quite a story.
He wants you to hear it.
( upbeat r & b theme playing )
Hey, he won’t be
up there.
Who?
Dodge. That’s who
you’re looking for, right?
Oh, sure, exactly,
Dodge, yeah.
RALPH:
Oh, there he is.
Hey, Dodge. Dodge!
Hey! Hey, guys!
What’s up? How you doing?
You probably thought that I was
stealing his wallet, right?
Well, no. We’re friends.
We do it all the time.
Lonnie, Lonnie!
Hey, tag,
you’re it, man!
See you at the barbecue
next weekend!
Damn! Look at you fellas, man!
You look mackin’, packin’,
black-a-doscious.
Your first race.
You know, if Iggy wins
that first heat, man,
we’re gonna go for the real
money in the second race.
Now, go up.
I’m gonna take Iggy.
Go to the owners’ booth.
Go up into the box up there.
Enjoy yourselves.
Don’t be nervous.
VENDOR:
Popcorn!
Get your popcorn here!
Hey, popcorn!
What are you looking for?
I’m just…
Where is that popcorn man?
She’s not coming, Norton.
I know you tried.
You my boy.
Yeah.
Yeah, man. It’s okay.
TRIXIE:
Should we go down there?
No, no, Trix,
I’m not ready yet.
Are you waiting to see
if he wins?
No! I’m waiting to see
if he loses.
I know it’ll kill him.
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
it’s post time
for our qualifying heat.
All right. Let’s go, Iggy!
– Do it, baby!
– Go, six!
ANNOUNCER:
And they’re off!
Go, Ig!
Go, go, go!
Do it! Do it!
Go ahead!
That’s it!
ANNOUNCER:
The results
of the qualifying heat,
in first place,
number six, Iggy,
with a time of 31.5.
We gonna get that money!
We’re on our way, baby!
That dog is unbeatable!
Don’t worry about it.
That was just the first heat.
The final
is a whole different ball game.
Now, that puts him in the race
for the money, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Only Ralph.
Our future depends
on a dog race.
DODGE:
I didn’t–
I didn’t sleep with her!
I just loaned her 10K
for plastic surgery.
Now I don’t even know
what she looks like, all right?
All right. Peace.
Yo, fellas, he’s as ready
as he’s ever gonna be now.
Come on, Ig, we’ve gotta review
our strategy, baby.
Norton, it’s a dog.
Ralph, stop hating!
I’m trying to get Iggy
to visualize his success.
Well, you get him to visualize
going back to that dumpster.
That’ll give him
something to think about.
( chuckling )
Ahem. Sorry, guys.
I’m…nervous.
Iggy’s got this one
in the bag, Ralph.
I don’t know, fellas.
This race is a lot tougher
than you guys think.
Aw, man,
there you go hating.
Iggy is gonna–
Them other dogs ain’t– Damn!
( fierce growling )
That ain’t a damn dog,
that’s a horse!
Welcome to the big time, fellas.
Welcome to the big time.
Come on, Iggy.
You win that race,
you get this.
What do you think?
Let’s not jinx him.
Let’s just see him
after the race.
After they win the money?
Let’s hope.
ANNOUNCER:
Now, the featured race
of the day.
The New Jersey Park Stadium
Anniversary Derby
for a $20,000 prize purse!
Go and get it!
When you hear that bell,
run like hell!
Go get ’em, Iggy!
Come on, do everything
I taught you. Come on.
ANNOUNCER:
And they’re off.
Go, Iggy!
Go, Ig!
Come on, Iggy!
You can do it, Iggy!
Come on, Iggy!
Get out of there!
Oh, man. He’s in trouble!
He’s boxed in!
Run, Iggy! Run!
Maybe he needs
his good-luck charm.
Come on, Ig!
Win this race and it’s yours!
Oh, no!
Norton!
No!
Ha!
ANNOUNCER:
At the finish line,
it’s Bahama Mama,
Henry V,
and Pavlov’s Dog takes third.
All owners, please proceed
to the clubhouse
for the presentation
of the $20,000 purse.
What were you thinking,
distracting him like that?
I was just trying
to encourage him, Ralph.
You encouraged him,
all right.
You encouraged him away
from $20,000!
Ralph, stop yelling
at me.
He’s gonna think
you’re yelling at him.
I’m not yelling at the dog.
He’s just a dumb animal!
What’s your excuse?
Ralph…
Ed, you know
we needed this money.
Now Alice
will never take me back
because of you!
Ralph, calm down.
I thought we were boys, man.
No, no, we’re not boys.
We’re not friends.
We’re not nothing! I’m done!
That’s the way you feel?
Yeah, it’s how I feel.
And stay out of my fire escape!
( makes kissing sound )
ED:
Come on, Iggy.
Come on, y’all.
( delicate, melancholy theme
playing )
Alice…
Pet cactus.
What was I thinking?
Shoot.
( groans )
Yeah, yeah.
Heh. Learn and Succeed.
Yeah, right.
Bart Roberts.
I was a sucker
for ever believing in you.
I won’t be
a sucker again, though.
“Kawakami.”
I should have let you
get this train
since you wanted it so bad.
Maybe you still do.
( screams )
Ow! Ow.
Don’t burn up.
Come on, don’t burn up on me.
( whimpers )
Mm. Ahem.
If… Okay.
( clears throat )
I might be able
to take it off your hands.
Well, the… The price
has gone up considerably.
I mean, we have to take
into account my time,
storage, um…
fees, shipping,
postage, handling.
You know,
a lot of things like that.
What is your price?
Twenty-five thousand.
Twenty-five thousand?
Okay, that was too much.
Okay, $20,000.
Twenty thousand will be fine.
I’m gonna need a check
right now.
( fast-paced action theme
playing )
Hey, Larry!
Ralph Kramden.
What’s going on?
What, are you in trouble?
Look, I gotta get to Q’s Diner
by 9 a.m.
You go that way, right?
Not by 9 a.m.
I mean, look at it,
it’s like total gridlock.
( telephone rings )
Hello, hello, hello.
Hey, Q, it’s Ralph Kramden.
Alice’s husband.
Is she–?
Oh, no, no,
she’s not here.
I got the check for the house!
Please,
the health inspector here.
Health inspector?
Don’t hang up, you–!
I gotta get over there!
Welcome to your new positions
in the New York City
sewer system!
Today, you will join
an elite group
of dedicated and dependable
professionals.
You lucky few have survived
a rigorous application process,
interviews
and psychological profiles.
Actually, Ed, these are all
convicted felons of violent
crimes
taking part
in a work-release program.
And since there are
no questions–
I got one for you.
Two men are born
five blocks apart.
They’ve been best friends
for 30 years
until one of them says
some really stupid things
he didn’t mean.
How does he get the other guy
to forgive him?
I’m not the one who’s good
at riddles, remember, Ralph?
Neither am I.
What are you talking about?
You know that book of riddles
you keep on your coffee table?
( sighs )
I found it, got me a copy
and memorized it.
You mean to tell me–
( groans )
Look…Norton.
Norton.
Come on. Norton.
What, Ralph?
What? What?
You’ve always thought
I was the smart one.
And if you ever
stopped thinking that,
then I don’t know
what I would be anymore.
You really mean that, Ralph?
Yeah.
I’m sorry.
( sniffles )
Hey, come on, Ed.
You make me cry.
Don’t start, man.
Why you come down here
and make me cry
in front of all
these convicts like this?
Stop it, man.
I’m trying just to say to you
what I gotta say.
Man– Ahem.
Look, all right? Look, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I’m saying?
Do I have a tear
in my eye?
No, you okay.
Look, this doesn’t
change everything.
We still have issues
between each other.
Look, okay, I understand that.
But I got the money
for the house.
You did?
But I gotta get the check
to the diner before 9 a.m.,
and it’s total gridlock
up there.
I need someone who knows
the city beneath the city.
I need a specialist.
I need you, Ed.
I got you.
But I have conditions.
Condition number one: You gotta
start letting me pick stuff.
What are you
talking about?
You always get to pick
the restaurants.
You always get to pick
the movies.
That’s because
if we let you pick stuff,
nothing would
ever get decided.
( brakes screech )
Fine!
You can pick stuff!
Second up.
When we get around new people,
you have to start
referring to me as Edward.
( grumbling )
Only you would pick
a shortcut like this.
That’s another one!
You gotta stop
making fun of me!
I’ll admit,
the way I do things
is a little unorthodox,
but that’s me.
The way you do things
is ridiculous.
Oh, I’m the one
who looks ridiculous?
Yeah!
( burbling )
That ain’t even funny.
Oh, yes, it is. We gotta go.
Come on, let’s ride.
Okay, Ralph,
this is the big one.
You gotta promise to me
that you will never
yell at me
or get mad at me
ever, ever again.
Done.
Put it on your family jewels.
Put it on
my family j–
Fine, I put it
on my family jewels
that I will never get mad
or holler at you again.
Good. ‘Cause we’re lost.
You–!
Family jewels.
So…Edward…
Mm-hm?
How do you suggest
we proceed from here?
Well, there’s two ways
we can go.
Either that way or that way.
Why don’t we let you pick.
Let me pick?
That’s my man.
That’s what
I’m talking about.
Which way?
That way.
( alarm wailing )
It’s this way, Ralph!
This should be it.
Straight up.
Let’s hope.
Ha, ha, ha!
Hey, Norton, this is it!
You my man, dog!
Aah! Whoa!
( door closes )
( alarm chirps )
Ralph, what are you waiting for?
There’s a SUV
on the manhole cover!
You’re yelling, Ralph.
This way is blocked,
and it’s Davis.
Okay, another manhole
two blocks down.
( bike bell rings )
Watch it!
You think we’re too late?
Not if she hasn’t
signed yet!
You don’t have to read it.
Oh, glad you two made up.
But Alice
isn’t here, Ralph.
She didn’t want to stick around
and watch that.
Ma’am, don’t sign that!
That’s no good.
That’s good.
Miss Benvenuti–
Oh, no, no,
don’t put that down!
You can’t stop
once you’ve started.
It’s– It’s unethical.
I’m Ralph Kramden.
Alice’s husband. And, uh–
Oh, please.
Well, this is–
Mr. Q?
It’s a little wet.
It’s dirty. But, uh,
maybe we can blow-dry it off
and do whatever.
But it’s for you.
I’ll take the check as-is.
Okay, everyone just–
Look, I’ll give you
even more, all right?
– Thank you.
– You got it.
But I don’t think so.
I’d rather have my house
remain a home.
Yeah!
Thank you,
Miss Benvenuti!
Thank you!
BENVENUTI:
Thank you, Mr. Kramden.
It’s a pleasure
doing business with you.
RALPH:
Oh, no, no.
Thank you.
You can’t
do this to me.
Nobody’s doing anything to you.
This is business.
It’s not personal.
Ywaah!
Miss Benvenuti,
we’ll be calling you.
All right.
( delicate harp theme playing )
( scoffs )
Ralph…
Just…give me a second, okay?
( sighs )
Alice, I’ve wasted
so much time.
Made so many bad choices.
But there’s only one thing
I’ve ever done right…
and that’s love you.
Baby, let’s go home.
You mean,
the one we just bought?
How did you do it?
Well, Norton helped out
a little bit, but…
no one deserves this
more than you, Alice.
Baby, you’re the greatest.
( romantic theme swells )
( brakes screech )
( objects falling,
glass shattering )
DODGE:
All right, guys, come on.
Quit your pissing and moaning.
The doghouse is not that heavy.
And it goes in the back
facing east
so it gets feng shui,
you got it?
And Mama Gibson,
please don’t drop another box.
I don’t got
insurance, okay?
You don’t have no manners
either, Mr. “Eazy” Dodge.
Oh, you’re going
to get into it with me?
That’s all right.
Ladies, please hurry up.
We’re gonna have
a lunch break.
And make this house a home.
Amen.
ALL:
Amen.
All right, eat up, everybody.
MOTHER:
Thank you, sweetheart.
All right, now.
Y’all, here we are.
Finally.
To our own home.
Cheers, y’all.
ALL:
Cheers!
Hey, Ralph, Ralph.
I got a surprise
for you.
Let go.
Let go. Let go.
Good boy.
I trained Iggy, man.
He’s gonna be your dog servant.
Fetch you a beer.
Get you a newspaper
when you want.
Isn’t that your train
right there?
Would you look at that?
A million dollars!
Yeah, Ralph,
isn’t that your train?
The one with
the solid brass trim?
Shut up.
What?
Oh, yo, man.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Uh, Ralph, you gonna
watch the game later on?
Solid brass?
Ralph, you said you weren’t
gonna get mad at me no more.
Nah. No, Norton,
I’m not gonna get mad.
No, I’m not gonna yell.
I’m just gonna kill you!
Where’s he going?
Get back here
and eat dinner!
Ralph, I know
where there’s another train!
And it’s got
a bell too!
You better know
where there’s another train!
Come on, man.
For real, believe me!
I’m Ronald.
And I’m Ernie.
( in unison ):
And we’re the Isley Brothers.
♪ La-la-la
La-la-la-la ♪
♪ Oooh, ooooh ♪
